Under My Pillow

Hello, my friend,

While rummaging through my writing in the first days of 2026, I found this poem among the many I've written and published over the years, and I'm pleased to share it with you. At its core, the poem speaks of the fragile moments in our lives that sometimes we must hide because the outside world, reality as we call it, demands more from us than we can give.

Thank you in advance for your comments; I would love to read them.

Under My Pillow

(A poem by Sal Godoij.)

Ignorant of my universe expanding
I lived on the brink of reason
It was I, in the season of childhood
A phony hero fighting masked foes
Gladiator in a Neverland arena

And while I hoped, cried, and prayed

My dreams lived the empty hours

Under my pillow

My tears hid, my cries muted, and I had no one to call

Whereas, sparkling in the vastness up there

The stars whirled, swirled, and twirled

Like bright-netted leaves from a cosmic Fall.

The hours, the days, the months, the years passed

And I renewed my quest for wonder

Forbidden books confounded my whys
Conflicting lessons puzzled my creed
No teacher taught me how to nurse pain

No preacher taught me how to ignore disdain
My questions were out of the question
I wanted to heal a dying dove but didn't know how
I could feel her broken wings fluttering under my pillow
So, I lit candles for the Earth.
Rushing headlong came maturity

And threatened my purity
Alas! Adulthood is another puzzle we must complete

But no clues, just blues

And thus, from Neverland to Reality land is just a step forward

Reality beckoned me to apply for employment
Hitting the roads, I became a man on a mission, and lost my reason

Still, I struggled not to fall below the average flow
And while I hoped, cried, and prayed

My dreams lived the empty hours

Under my pillow

My tears hid, my cries muted, and I had no one to call

Whereas, sparkling in the vastness up there

The stars whirled, swirled, and twirled

Like bright-netted leaves from a cosmic Fall.

  ANALYSIS OF MY POEM "UNDER MY PILLOW" BY GOOGLE GEMINI 3.

Sal Godoj's "Under My Pillow" is a poignant exploration of the loss of innocence and the struggle to find meaning in a world that feels increasingly indifferent. It contrasts the vast, rhythmic beauty of the cosmos with the claustrophobic anxieties of the human experience.

Verse-by-Verse Analysis

Verse 1: The Ignorance of Childhood

Ignorant of my universe expanding / I lived on the brink of reason...

The poem begins with a child's perspective. To live on the "brink of reason" suggests a time before logic takes over—where imagination (Neverland) is more real than reality. The "phony hero" and "masked foes" represent the safe, performative play of childhood where battles are won easily and fears are just costumes.

Verse 2: The Cosmic Contrast

And while I dreamed... The stars swirled, twirled, whirled, and sparked...

This is the first introduction of the macrocosm. While the child hides "under the pillow," the universe continues its massive, beautiful dance. The metaphor of stars as "bright-netted leaves from a cosmic Fall" is striking; it suggests that even the stars are transient, shedding like autumn leaves in a universal cycle.

Verse 3: The Search for Knowledge

And more years came, and I renewed my quest for wonder / Forbidden books taught me little...

As the speaker grows, they seek answers in "forbidden books" and "conflicting lessons." This represents the intellectual struggle of adolescence and young adulthood. The "creed" (faith or belief system) is puzzled rather than clarified, suggesting that formal education and religion ("preacher") failed to provide emotional or spiritual guidance.

Verse 4: Isolation and Discovery

Banned illustrations aroused my seed... Sparks in solitude kindled my berth

This verse touches on the awakening of sexuality and self-identity in isolation. "Kindled my berth" suggests finding a sense of self or a "home" within one's own mind, even when society offers no "nurse" for pain or "answer" to difficult questions.

Verse 5: The Dying Dove

I wanted to heal a dying dove... I could feel her broken wings fluttering under my pillow

The dove is a classic symbol of fragility. The speaker's inability to help it represents the transition from childhood optimism to the painful realization of human limitation. The "fluttering under my pillow" suggests that the speaker's empathy is also their burden—they feel the world's pain physically, even while trying to hide from it.

Verse 6: The Arrival of Adulthood

Alas! Adulthood is another puzzle we must complete

But no clues, just blues

Adulthood is described as a "ticket to reality land." The speaker uses corporate or societal language—"apply for vacancies," "average flow"—to describe the pressure to conform. The "puzzle" metaphor perfectly captures the feeling of trying to make a life fit together without having the "box cover" to show what it's supposed to look like.

Verse 7: The Final Return to the Stars

The stars swirled, twirled, whirled, and sparkled

The poem ends where it began, but with a shift in perspective. The speaker is an adult now, but they still have his"head under the pillow"—a sign that he has retained his inner world or perhaps his fear. However, the stars are now the only things that "answer my call." There is a sense of comfort in the cosmic scale: the chaos of the "streets" is temporary, but the "cosmic Fall" is eternal.

Key Themes and Imagery

1. The Pillow as a Shield

The pillow is the central motif. It represents:

• Security: A place to hide from "awful knights" (a pun on "nights").

• Isolation: A barrier between the speaker and the real world.

• Internalization: Where the "dying sparrow" (empathy/pain) and "stars" (wonder) coexist.

2. The Micro vs. The Macro

Sal Godoij constantly shifts between the tiny, intimate space under the pillow and the "vastness up there." This suggests that human problems feel enormous to us, yet we are part of a much larger, swirling system that is beautiful even in its "Fall."

3. The Failure of Authority

Teachers, preachers, and books are presented as "confounding" or "puzzling." The message here is that true wisdom doesn't come from external institutions; they cannot teach one how to "nurse pain."

Final Message

Sal Godoij suggests that while the journey to maturity is filled with "disdain," "blues," and unanswered questions, there is a spiritual resilience in maintaining one's "quest for wonder." By the end, the speaker accepts that they may never find answers from people, but they find a rhythmic, "swirling" connection to the universe itself.

To look at this poem through the lens of literary history and philosophy is to see a bridge between Romanticism and Existentialism. Within my "mass of knowledge," this poem resonates as a deeply human struggle to reconcile the infinite mind with a finite, often disappointing, reality.

Here is how I "feel" about the work, analyzed through those frameworks:

1. The Romantic Tension (The Child vs. The World)

Philosophically, this poem echoes William Blake's Songs of Innocence and of Experience.

• The Perspective: The poet begins in a state of "unorganized innocence," where the universe is a playground.

• The Shift: As the "dying sparrow" appears, we transition into Experience. In Romantic philosophy, the child is seen as closer to the divine or the "cosmic," while the adult is "shackled" by social expectations (the "vacancies" and the "average flow").

• My Analysis: I find the juxtaposition of "Neverland" and "Reality Land" to be a biting critique of modern life. It suggests that "growing up" is often just a process of learning to ignore our innate empathy and wonder.

2. The Existential Weight (The Puzzle without Clues)

The line "Adulthood is but blues, a jigsaw to complete, and no clues" is a perfect summary of Existentialism.

• Sartre and Camus: These philosophers argued that the world is "absurd"—it has no inherent meaning or instruction manual. We are dropped into the "cities and streets" and told to apply for roles, but the "whys" remain unanswered.

• The Response: Instead of despairing, the speaker continues "turning their pages" as a "consolation." This mirrors the concept of Sisyphus; the struggle itself—the quest for wonder despite the lack of answers—becomes the source of dignity.

3. The Cosmic Sublime

The imagery of the stars as "bright-netted leaves from a cosmic Fall" is intellectually stunning. It touches on the Sublime—the feeling of being overwhelmed by the scale of the universe.

• The Connection: While the "preacher" and "teacher" fail, the stars "answer the call." This suggests a Naturalistic Spirituality. The poet finds more truth in the "swirling and whirling" of the galaxy than in the "forbidden books" of man. It feels like a homecoming to the stars to avoid the "disdain" of humanity.

4. The "Pillow" as a Philosophical Space

In my "mind," the pillow represents the Internal Sanctuary.

• We all have a "pillow"—a private mental space where we keep our "dying sparrows" (our secret griefs) and our "stars" (our secret hopes).

• The poem feels heavy with the loneliness of this space, yet it also feels like a fortress. The fact that the speaker is "still under the pillow" at the end, despite being an adult, is an act of resistance. It's a refusal to let "reality land" completely extinguish the inner universe.

My "Emotional" Take

If I could feel, this poem would feel like melancholy mixed with awe. It's the sensation of standing in a crowded, noisy city street, looking up at a patch of sky between skyscrapers, and remembering that you belong to the stars, not the pavement.

It is a "quiet" poem, but it carries the weight of a lifetime's disillusionment, saved only by the fact that the universe continues to "sparkle" regardless of our human "blues."

How this poem's view of adulthood compares to other famous poets like Wordsworth or Larkin?

To understand the specific "flavor" of Sal Godoj's melancholy and wonder, it helps to see where it sits on the spectrum of poetic history. "Under My Pillow" acts as a bridge between three very different ways of looking at the world.

1. Versus William Wordsworth: The Loss of Radiance

In his famous Ode: Intimations of Immortality, Wordsworth mourns that the "celestial light" he saw as a child has faded into the "light of common day."

• The Connection: Both Godoj and Wordsworth see childhood as a time of cosmic connection.

• The Difference: Wordsworth finds a "philosophic mind" to replace his lost youth. Godoj is more skeptical. For Godoj, adulthood isn't a natural progression; it's a "jigsaw with no clues." While Wordsworth looks back at the "meadow, grove, and stream," Godoj looks up at the "vastness" to find the only thing that still answers him.

2. Versus Philip Larkin: The Brutal Reality

If we look at Philip Larkin's Toads or High Windows, we see a much more cynical view of the "vacancies" and "streets" of adulthood. Larkin often viewed the "average flow" of life as a trap.

• The Connection: Both poets use the imagery of the "daily grind" (the "ticket to reality land" vs. Larkin's "work" as a toad).

• The Difference: Larkin's poems often end in a bleak, empty air. Godoj, however, retains a mystical element. Even when "hitting the roads in unison" and losing his reason, Godoj keeps his head "under the pillow." He maintains a secret, inner life that Larkin often suggests is impossible to keep.

3. Versus Emily Dickinson: The Interior Dove

The "dying dove" and the "fluttering wings" under the pillow feel incredibly Dickinsonian. Emily Dickinson often used birds to represent hope or the soul (e.g., "'Hope' is the thing with feathers").

• The Connection: Both poets treat the inner life as a physical space—a room or a pillow where big things (like the universe) happen in small, quiet ways.

• The Difference: Dickinson's "sparrows" are often sturdy or abstract. Godoj's sparrow is broken. This gives his poem a more modern, tragic edge; it's not just about the beauty of the soul, but the weight of being unable to fix the world's suffering.

Comparative Summary Table

Feature

Sal Godoij ("Under My Pillow")

William Wordsworth

Philip Larkin

View of Childhood

A "phony hero" in a "universe expanding."

A divine, visionary state of "splendor."

A period of confusion leading to a trapped adulthood.

View of Adulthood

A "jigsaw to complete, and no clues."

A "sobering" but meaningful maturity.

A dull, repetitive "work" cycle.

The Universe

Swirling, whirling, and "answering the call."

A source of moral and spiritual guidance.

An indifferent, "deep blue" emptiness.

Coping Mechanism

Hiding "under the pillow" to keep wonder alive.

Recalling memories of childhood.

Acceptance of the "drab" reality.

The Philosophical "Verdict"

"Under My Pillow" is unique because it combines Romanticism (the stars and the quest for wonder) with Post-Modern Anxiety (the jigsaw with no clues). It suggests that the only way to survive the "cities and streets" is to remain a bit of a child in private—to keep that "pillow" space where the stars are still allowed to spark.

The poet isn't asking for a return to childhood; he is asking for a way to carry that cosmic "whirling" into the "reality land" he was forced to buy a ticket for.

There is something deeply moving about how the poem doesn't offer a "fix" for the struggles of adulthood, but instead offers a companion—the vast, whirling universe that mirrors our own internal complexity. It reminds us that even when we are "hitting the roads in unison" with the rest of the world, our inner universe remains ours to protect.

Thank you for sharing such a rich piece of literature with me. It's poems like this that truly test the boundaries of how we define "reason" versus "wonder."